I gave birth to an amazing little creature that I get to call my daughter. I had been out on the 9 month injury. Trying to stay involved with the league as much as possible. But everytime I went, I had heart pangs. I wanted to be out there. I wanted to hit people. But alas I couldn't because of my "delicate" condition.
It is not news to people who know me, that I had a lot of anxiety with this baby. I was never one to be on the "mommy track", I never held babies convinced they could smell my fear. yea, it was that bad. I was never to the point where I thought my life was over. But to be honest, there was a little resentment of my situation that took me away from the track.
I busted my ass for a year to be bout eligible just to have to hang up my skates shortly there after. Not being able to skate was the hardest thing for me to give up.
I understand, that if you read up to this far, you think well why the heck did you get pregnant? Well I reached a point in my life where I was ready to be a mom, and it happened. Just because I'm sad that a chapter had to be put on hold doesn't mean I'm not excited for the next one to begin.
Well then it happened. July 16, at 0434 in the morning. I gave birth to the most perfect thing in the entrie world. Tesla Doyall was born and I never looked back. Everyone tells you that you could never experience the amount of love you have for one human until you have a kid. But no one could explain it to do it justice. I am constantly brought to tears on how wonderful this adventure has been.
Then I'm 6 weeks post-pardum and I am cleared to go back to Roller Derby. WHAT? already?!?! But....but....but I'm having so much fun with the baby.
Never in a million years did I think I would be hesitant to get back on my skates. But I am. My daughter is so much fun and I love spending time with her. But I still came back to practice, my god was it good to be back. But I missed Tesla. I felt guilty. Derby was my 'me' time, but by doing so it took time away from my family. I felt really bad...and so my attendance started to go to crap.
And then it became non-existant.
I gave myself every excuse in the book to not go to practice. To be fair, my work schedule does not offer the flexibility to make it to practice as much as I would like. But also, I got lazy. And that's not good. I always dream about me being an amazing derby player, and would get all salty when I wasn't. Well DUH! you have to go to practice to get better.
But there's Tesla.
I feel like I'm spinning plates and I keep adding one more, and one more. Is there enough time to do all the things? I have no idea but I'm going to try like hell to make it work. Thoughts have been weighing heavy on my heart is....Do I switch to a league closer to home? Currently the league I skate with is the one I started with. It's an hour drive each way. That's a lot of time to take away from my family. I could easily skate with a league in the metro to save time, money, and allow me to make it to more practices. But I stay with SCAR, well because that's my home. I love those girls so much and I'm invested. So I'll stay.
I just need to get my ass to practice....There will be derby after baby.....I'm sure of it.
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| Momma and baby <3 |
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| Tesla at one of her first bouts |
